How can one know if one has truly fallen in love? And how can one know if one is truly loved? For the first time in my life, I’ve met a man who have brought up so strong feelings. I know I´ve never felt like this before. We´ve lasted for 4 months in this relationship.
This man, who is way younger than me (I am 37), I´ve always had this feeling that I wished him good, knowing him very special, yet not until destiny put us together in a car, told he felt this special way for me. And knowing the social consequences would be disastrous – he´s 17 years younger than me – I´ve thought if he wants me, well, I leave it up to God and let him have me.
I thought I had acquired sufficient inner peace to give him all the love, yet not expect anything, understanding perfectly that marriage would be madness being the woman 17 years older, it would not be fair to him.
I had resigned to live the rest of my life alone, since at 37 years I have not known true love, and for me, true love is the only reason for marriage. I also was convinced I would never go to bed with a man without the wedding ring sold on my finger. Yet, what can I say? I feel so in love with him, yet I am worried – what if there will be a child? It’s not responsible.
So I start behaving scared. What right do I have to expect marriage of him? Yet, on the other side, what right do I have to risk get pregnant with a man not being married to him? On the other side, I feel his love for me is strong, and now I am behaving rejecting due to these fears. Could this relationship be possible? In my best moments I believe, he says I look 28, yet I see wrinkles around my eyes and despair.
We live in a village, if I go out people insult me, and I know he is also having a hard time with relatives and friends. I feel that it is not fair to him, we being seen together, yet perhaps this social rejection only hits me so hard? Yet the pain I feel when I feel he is in pain, due to my rejection, is tearing me into pieces. What if I am only complicating situation, since I my whole life have felt unloved, I don’t dare to believe I am loved. I know lots of men find my looks attractive. Am I letting stupid stuff come between us? Or am I downright mad believing in a “happy ending” of this story?