I am trapped in a toxic marriage. I’ve tried everything possible to co-exist with my mate but when I am with him I feel dead. My problem is that I am dependent on him financially. I have had cancer and a 3 month hospital stay for depression. Most of the time I feel positive about leaving this awful relationship behind and am filled with hope and ideas for the future – then fear overtakes me and I become confused and ambivalent. My greatest fear about leaving is that I will not be financially secure and that I will never be able to obtain health insurance. I have a history of trauma and anxiety. My sense of self is very weak. I really want to embrace uncertainty – can you give me a push?

I have recently made some major changes in my life. My old job came to an end so I thought what better time to start. I decided to follow my heart and do what I feel inside. I’ve also made a commitment to try and deal with fear once and for all. On top of all this I’ve made a commitment to grow spiritually and try to better myself as a person (at least to the best of my abilities).

This change has been a jarring one however as things seemed to constantly go against me. As I went full speed ahead with what my heart told me I was here for… I fell as if I jumped off a perfectly good ship into the middle of the ocean. I know what’s right for me, I know what I should do…. but I can’t help but wonder sometimes aloud “what the heck have I gotten myself into?” I sometimes burst out laughing about this, which I don’t know how to interpret, as a stress reaction or as losing it. How do I keep it all together in times like these?